Thursday, 19 December 2013

Am I an awful girlfriend because I don't want to go to the car meet with my boyfriend?

7 Answers - (Newest, 10 May 2013)A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello aunts and uncles.

I feel like an ungrateful spoiled girl for this question since there are so many about women whose men do not want to spend time with them, I have the opposite issue. I actually started to live with my boyfriend of a year , I am not interested in long term commitment or marriage so that is irrelevant to me. He on the other hand wants commitment, marriage, kiddies, and the like. He is the outgoing type, not many friends, but plenty of acquaintances, he is extremely type A worked on wall street and sales. He is never shy (except with me) and he is extremely competitive. I am type A too on everything, except on the ease to talk to strangers. I get very shy when meeting new people, I usually do not approach first. My boyfriend is on this campaign to break me out of my shell (though I'm socially fine). Since we are new in town, my bf met some people who are into cars (the kind of cars he is into) and will be going to a car meet with them. (basically, he will meet them and they all share a pizza) Now, my boyfriend WANTS me to go with him, because he says he wants to spend time with me(he works 50 hrs a week) but I know I will stick out like a sore thumb since I am not into cars at all. I want him to GO! but I want him to go ALONE. Because for one I dont know about cars (I did learn about his fave cars, and motors, and brands for him) and I do not want to meet new people. I do, but just not in this forced way! He says I either go, or he wont go at all. We are new in town so I DO want him to go, I want him to have boys time, and talk about cars and stuff. I just know I will feel out of place, and he will only be going for 1 hour, I really have no problem with him being apart for an hour, but he DOES. He wont budge at all, I've tried to sweetly, and kindly tell him that is just not my scene... that I will be okay at home. He says that he worked so long this week that he wants to spend his time off with me...and I understand that, but I dont want him to leave his hobbies for me! I really enjoy having an independent life from his and I NEED my me time, but I really do not want to go to that car meet, should I just try to suck it up for him even if I will be uncomfortable? Would that be the "right" thing to do? Or should I tell him to respect my position and go by himself? Am I an awful girlfriend for this/? I cannot get through to him... please help me. I understand where he is coming from, but am I being irrational??? We are both off school for the summer, so we will have other chances to spend time together...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013):

He needs to accept that you don't want to go! He can still go, after all. I'd be the same. Then again, I'm single! Seriously though, it's not your bag, don't go. Don't feel bad. If he decides not to go, that's up to him.

A male reader, zippy78 United Kingdom + ?, writes (10 May 2013):

zippy78 agony auntOP if you think not going along with what he wants makes you "an awful" GF then in the nicest possible sense you need to grow a bit of backbone. There are times in a relationship when we have stand up for ourselves! He needs to learn that its healthy to activities away from each other. ...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013):

Have you explained to him that you wouldn't expect him to go shopping with you and your girlfriends because you understand that is not his scene? You could either arrange to do something after he's been to the car meet or do something else you both enjoy over the weekend if it's a question of him wanting to spend time with you. It is just as important for him to make friends as it is for you to have me time. So find a compromise where you both get the opportunity to get what you want this weekend. Do you think he's inviting you because he'll be more at ease if you're by his side the first time they meet? In which case, I'd be inclined to go with him to help him make friends. ...............................   

A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (10 May 2013):

eyeswideopen agony auntI also think you should just suck it up and go with him. Hell I go fishing with my husband all the time and it's not because I like to fish. It's a quid pro quo kind of thing if you love the guy. Besides you never know, you may actually enjoy it. ...............................   

A female reader, CindyCares Italy + ?, writes (10 May 2013):

CindyCares agony aunt I think instead that, although you are right about the general concept, and you are not at all a bad girlfriend, and it's important for people to be able to function, socialize and enjoy things on their own, you can afford to be a bit flexible this time and you do not need to make it such a bone of contention. You are not totally ignorant about cars ( you learned something for him and from him ), you don't like cars but you hopefully like pizza :), .. and , if it is really going to be an hour or two at most, what's the problem. So you are going to be " uncomfortable " and a bit bored for an hour. Not such a big deal , I am sure you can handle ONe hour of boredom once in a blue moon for a nice boyfriend. Then, you'll also have a weapon to hold over him, if you go, - how can he refuse then, to join you when you want him to visit your Aunt Emmeline, or to see with you the next Jennifer Aniston's flick :) ? ...............................   

A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom + ?, writes (10 May 2013):

k_c100 agony auntI think you are right on this one - it is important for you to both have separate hobbies so you can spend time alone, alone time is just as important as spending time together. If you are not remotely interested in cars then if you went along you would be bored, your boyfriend would see that and it would ruin the experience for him as well. So there is definitely no point in going. I'd talk to your boyfriend one last time - dont be sweet or nice about it this time, be firm with him. Tell him that you are not going because you are not interested in cars and dont want to be the odd one out sat in silence with nothing to say. Tell him that you feel very strongly that he should go to this meet because you want him to have his own hobbies separate from yours, you feel that is a very important part of relationships and you need to make sure that you can do things without each other from time to time. Tell him that if these people from the car meet ever want to go out say for a pizza with their girlfriends as well then you would happily do that so you could chat to some girls about non-car related things, but you dont want to hang out with a bunch of men talking about cars. But you are categorically not coming this time, and you really feel strongly that he should go without you and you will be very disappointed if he doesnt go. That should do it - if he doesnt go and stays with you well so be it. ...............................   

A female reader, largentsgirl89 United States + ?, writes (10 May 2013):

largentsgirl89 agony auntYou aren't a bad girlfriend. Having time separate from each other is a healthy thing to keep you both individuals. Do you have anyone you can go out with? Have you told him you'd like him to go but you'd rather stay home and have a nice bubble bath or a chance to just lounge by yourself? It's nice that he wants to spend time with you, but perhaps some other time? On the other hand he does work 50 hours a week and being able to spend time with you is a rarity, so perhaps sacrificing an hour of your time to do something he enjoys and wants to share with you won't be so bad. Perhaps next time he can accompany you to an activity that you enjoy. ...............................   

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